Nerd. Purveyor of Shenanigans and Bacon.
In other words #ewww
http://www.doctoroz.com/recipe/cloud-bread
Still, it’s cool my work is still popular, right? RIGHT?! What’s with the cloud bread name? They’re not clouds; they’re crumbly bits of bread.
But sugar? Really? In the oopsie rolls? Gads.
We all do it. That little fist pump of victory when we buy a Raise.com card and stack it on a store coupon. Or the time you got your free Birthday lunch and scored a freebie for a friend by becoming an e-member. We won’t EVEN talk about the time you got an in-store discount, combined your rewards and then bought an item on closeout (OK, maybe a little).
How can it get any cooler than that? I’m leaving this one to the gents (okay, and hyperboleandahalf).
That’s right. Ryan loves it when you bring the magic. Those coupons aren’t going to clip and spend themselves, you know. Coupons and promo codes aren’t just found in newsletters and pamphlets, they’re online too. Using sites like Raise, shoppers can find incredible savings for their favorite products, stores, and online shopping sites. Who doesn’t like grabbing great products at a bargain price? It’s well worth a look if you’re operating in a tight budget.
What, Leonardo? You’re toasting to layered cost-savings options? I’ll bet he doesn’t even know you scored that glass on closeout. Well played, babe.
Like bacon, rebates are the special magic unicorn sprinkles on top of the savings loaded baked potato. Great; now I want potatoes. Thanks low-carb, potatoless existence.
Been there. Done that. Wore the Patrick Stewart #shameface. (Incidentally same face as when I left my Costco gift card at home that I bought with my rewards card. Or that time I wore plaid.)
But then there’s victory… Like the touchdown dance of savings, it is mandated you must flaunt your awesomeness. And why not, my friend? It’s what the universe intended.
Put on your shopping game face on and get out there, tigress. Some might think you’re merely clipping coupons, but you’re grabbing life by the savings.
Okay so it’s not a real black bear. In fact, it’s more along the lines of a Black Bear Diner.
When I asked my son which restaurant he most wanted to visit, he said, “I’d like a Black Bear Diner Big Bear Deluxe Burger.”
That’s great, I thought, as I nodded to my 23-year-old son, excited with glee at wrapping his mitts around the commendably-sized portions of beef and bread. I’ll just order my usual taco salad minus the beans (pictured left) and the shell and call it a low-carb day. There’s no reason to go crazynuts after all.
Alas, that was a nice plan, wasn’t it?
Today, however, the side of my face is imprinted with QWERTY keys from resting on my laptop and my stomach wants to show me what Old Faithful can do. Even the bacon I cooked this morning isn’t sitting well in that churning, gurgling cesspool of indigestion.
Sure, I went into the restaurant bedecked with black bear caricatures and kelly green wall coverings anticipating a little something extra. I mean, I deserved a few extra carbs after over two solid weeks of Atkins ’72 and 17 pounds lost. What’s the harm in the taco salad with the shell and with the refried beans so long as I placed them to the side, grabbing a small bite here or there as needed?
Only I didn’t order that. Oh no. I could have, but I didn’t. Instead, I made eyes at the menu’s Patty Melt, and she gave me eyes back. It was a little like the Katy Perry song, only I didn’t plan to lip lock a girl; I planned to embrace Patty. Oh, Patty. And because it was a smaller meal, it only (?!) clocked in at 910 calories and 100 carbs. As many carbs as I typically eat in an entire week–combined.
After my moments with Patty, and feeling very little pain (probably the carb rush and endorphins), the dessert menu magically appeared at the table. As I stared down at the dancing bears beckoning me to partake in something delectable, I told myself why not? I’ll share the triple brownie fudge sundae, so it wasn’t like I was eating the whole thing myself. Besides, did I deserve this?
450 more calories and 100 more carbohydrates full of dessert, I walked out of the restaurant feeling full.
But alas. That was yesterday. Today. Today! Today, with a runny nose and water weight gain of 2 pounds, I’m feeling like I’ve been smacked with the barfy stick. I haven’t felt this bad since I had the flu a few months ago. I feel, in a word, miserable. Oh, Patty! How could you?
As remnants of Black Bear Diner apple crumble leftovers waft through the air every time I open the refrigerator, I announced loudly I’d pay anyone a dollar to eat it. Heck they didn’t even have to eat it. They could throw it in the shrubs. Who knows? Maybe a black bear will find it. I think I might just deserve to see that.
Waiting for your book to arrive from amazon, the library or your friend?
Here’s the skinny on his biologically zero carb (meaning less than 20 *total carb) way of eating to get you started from the book that began it all, (Atkins, 1972, pp. 136-138).
I have shifted lists around for ease of use where they seemed to make better sense, but the foods he mentions have not changed or altered.
To print to PDF or a printer, tap the print friendly button below. You can delete these preceding paragraphs and toggle the text size to 90% in the print-friendly software to keep this list to a page.
MEAT
Steaks • Corned beef • Lamb chops • Hamburger • Bacon • Any kind of meat in any quantity–except meat with fillers such as hot dogs, meatballs, most packaged “cold cuts”
EGGS
Boiled • Fried • Scrambled • Poached • Omelet • Any style and with no limitations
FISH
All fish, including: Canned salmon • Tuna • Any kind of seafood including oil-packed and smoked, except oysters, mussels, clams, scallops and pickled fish.
FOWL
Duckling • Turkey • Chicken • Anything with wings • No stuffing
CHEESE
Four ounces a day of any hard, aged cheese. No cream cheese or cheese spreads.
SALADS
Two small green salads a day (each less than one cupful loosely packed) from: Celery • Chicory • Chinese Cabbage • Chives • Cucumber • Endive • Escarole • Fennel •
Lettuce • Olives (Green or Black) • Onions • Pickles (Sour or Dill) • Parsley • Peppers • Radishes • Scallions • Watercress
CONDIMENTS
Salt • Pepper • Mustard • Horseradish • Vinegar • Vanilla and other extracts • Artificial Sweeteners • Any dry powdered spice that contains no sugar
Salad Dressings with vinegar, oil, salt, dry spices, herbs, grated cheese, or anchovies.
FATS (BUTTER & MAYONNAISE)
Butter • Margarine • Oils • Shortening • Lard • Mayonnaise
(Fats have no carbohydrates.)
HEAVY CREAM
Four teaspoons a day. (Cream has less carbohydrate than milk–so don’t use milk.)
DRINKS
Water • Mineral water • Vichy • Club soda • Beef or chicken broth • Bouillon • Sugar-free diet soda • Coffee • Tea • Decaffeinated coffee. Special note on caffeine and Diet Coke…should be limited to six servings (cups) per day. If….low blood sugar…limit it to three.
JUICE
Juice of one lemon or lime
NOTES
* Unlike later versions of Atkins, which subtracts fiber or sugar alcohols from the total carbohydrate counts, Atkins 1972 counts total carbohydrates, with no omissions for fiber or sugar alcohols. For a more modern take on this diet, you can look at the likes of the carnivore diet which follows the same principles but designed with weight lifters in mind.
Atkins, R. (1972). The revolutionary never-hungry no-limit steak-and-salad-plus diet. Dr. Atkins Diet Revolution. (pp. 136-138). New York: Bantam Books.
Simple kicks tail when it comes to everything in life. When it’s your diet? It doesn’t get much more simple than old school diet plans. Regardless the regimen you’re following, you already deal with occasional stink eye when you mention you’re doing keto. Mention you follow a plan that’s almost 45 years old and people are going to give you crap about it.
The question is, can you take that crap? Are you tough enough to hang with the kids on the diet playground when the smack starts flying like five year old fists of fury? There’s no room for sissies here, my friend. This is all or nothing. Play for keeps. The dodge ball to the face of diet shade.
Let’s just see if you can swing it.
You know, your diet’s so old…
– Disco wacka-chicka music plays every time you crack the cover.
– The book mentions prohibition.
– Abe Lincoln was a testimonial.
– It’s written in Sanskrit.
– On papyrus.
– All the serving sizes are in Roman numerals.
– Pterodactyls are induction approved.
– Atkins mentions his experience at the Last Supper.
– And the first Thanksgiving.
– It mentions getting salt from the almost-Dead-but-still-hanging-in Sea.
– The book’s writer sat next to Ben Franklin in kindergarten.
– Atkins told Eve apples weren’t okay until after induction.
– He knew the Burger King when he was just a prince.
– The book was dedicated to the Flintstones.
– Atkins records his menus on the Mayan calendar.
– He okayed the Boston Tea Party, so long as they limited the heavy cream to 2 teaspoons.
– He knew Captain Crunch when he was still a private.
– Socrates gave his glowing review on the back of the book.
– Betsy Ross wrote the recipes.
When it comes to fighting fire with fire, just make sure you give as good as you get. Unless there’s bacon involved. Because then there’s just get. It’s bacon.
But then your plan is so old, you think I mean Sir Francis Bacon.