When I asked my son which restaurant he most wanted to visit, he said, “I’d like a Black Bear Diner Big Bear Deluxe Burger.”
That’s great, I thought, as I nodded to my 23-year-old son, excited with glee at wrapping his mitts around the commendably-sized portions of beef and bread. I’ll just order my usual taco salad minus the beans (pictured left) and the shell and call it a low-carb day. There’s no reason to go crazynuts after all.
Alas, that was a nice plan, wasn’t it?
Today, however, the side of my face is imprinted with QWERTY keys from resting on my laptop and my stomach wants to show me what Old Faithful can do. Even the bacon I cooked this morning isn’t sitting well in that churning, gurgling cesspool of indigestion.
Sure, I went into the restaurant bedecked with black bear caricatures and kelly green wall coverings anticipating a little something extra. I mean, I deserved a few extra carbs after over two solid weeks of Atkins ’72 and 17 pounds lost. What’s the harm in the taco salad with the shell and with the refried beans so long as I placed them to the side, grabbing a small bite here or there as needed?
Only I didn’t order that. Oh no. I could have, but I didn’t. Instead, I made eyes at the menu’s Patty Melt, and she gave me eyes back. It was a little like the Katy Perry song, only I didn’t plan to lip lock a girl; I planned to embrace Patty. Oh, Patty. And because it was a smaller meal, it only (?!) clocked in at 910 calories and 100 carbs. As many carbs as I typically eat in an entire week–combined.
After my moments with Patty, and feeling very little pain (probably the carb rush and endorphins), the dessert menu magically appeared at the table. As I stared down at the dancing bears beckoning me to partake in something delectable, I told myself why not? I’ll share the triple brownie fudge sundae, so it wasn’t like I was eating the whole thing myself. Besides, did I deserve this?
450 more calories and 100 more carbohydrates full of dessert, I walked out of the restaurant feeling full.
But alas. That was yesterday. Today. Today! Today, with a runny nose and water weight gain of 2 pounds, I’m feeling like I’ve been smacked with the barfy stick. I haven’t felt this bad since I had the flu a few months ago. I feel, in a word, miserable. Oh, Patty! How could you?
As remnants of Black Bear Diner apple crumble leftovers waft through the air every time I open the refrigerator, I announced loudly I’d pay anyone a dollar to eat it. Heck they didn’t even have to eat it. They could throw it in the shrubs. Who knows? Maybe a black bear will find it. I think I might just deserve to see that.